Fighting to Feel Normal in a Drug Induced Haze

You may think I'm doing fine, but some days I don't want to feel anything.

It's a strange feeling and one I'm struggling with.  I have been told to express myself more to help relieve the pressure of anxiety around operations, finance and change in lifestyle while I am getting better.

The good news, my test results from MRI showed nothing sinister, but has given consultants a road map on what needs to be fixed down the left side of my body.  I have a consultation in a few weeks with a team of consultants and surgeons to tell me what they want to do with me. 

My boss at work has been great, my change in mood was noticed, mainly because I was crying at times, something I never do.  Men don't cry do they? They are not suppose to cry.  When we do we feel vulnerable and pretty stupid.   I now have a job role I can do and it also helps working in such a close friendly team.  Although I'm not allowed to speak about what I do it keeps me from thinking about my health and all those worries. 

I have been to the GP recently after falling over twice on the same day onto hard concrete and I now use a crutch as my knee is giving way.   The docs say I might have broken a rib, and at times it really really hurts.  Hospitals don't X-ray ribs as they can't do much unless its pierced a body organ.  So I was told to have more Codeine on top of Naproxen, this just made me more constipated and feeling more down.  It didn't help the pain so I went onto Tramadol.  Tramadol at first stopped the pain, then I got severe teeth jitters, itching, feeling hot, being sick, depressed and an intense feeling that I would die if I slept that night.  I could not drive to work as I was also incapable of walking.  So given I have mobility issues anyway I decided to stay in my bed, but I was in no rib pain, so that was a bonus.  After calling the GP I was told to stop taking Tramadol.  How about a higher dose of Codeine they said?  Considering all that drug did was make me constipated and depressed I told them, no thanks.  How about I stick to Naproxen and good old fashioned Paracetomol.  I don't have any side effects with those and perhaps my mood will change too.

3-days later, I feel almost fine in the mood department  I have times in the day when I think about my health but I'm not as grey as I have been.  I don't feel "epic", I feel "stable" and able to cope abit better, I realise also I am going to feel down at times, so living day to day.  The dark is further away now.

I have been offered counselling before and after the operation, I think that is a good idea for me and anyone else going through major life changes. 

If this sets off alarm bells for any of you reading this and your are in a dark dark place, you are not alone, take a look at the medication you are on, especialy things like Codeine and Tramadol.  For me they do not work at all, they just make me feel shitty.  Talk to your work too, and get information from your GP about counselling.  Society says blokes should not cry, or seek help, but we do, so lets get over it.

If you want to email me, contact details are on this website.  Twitter @Keeler_philip

It's good to feel happy again!

First MRI Scan On Left Leg

It was a nervous start to the day 5:15am and I learnt the trains were not running to time, others cancelled.  I'm on my way to Kings College Hospital in London for the first MRI to find out what is really going on with my left leg. 

As I have said before, the thought of going to London and going to hospital does not worry me, its all the stuff surrounding it that does.  The trains not running correctly does little to calm my OCD for running late, no one gave a seat to me despite suffering standing, the fact that in the end I was 45minutes early did not matter.  The travel home was a nightmare, and hours journey took almost 4 hours because of Southern Railways very thoughtful idiotic timetable.

Example of MRI Machine

Once at Kings College Hospital London, I found the MRI unit, was asked to fill a short questionnaire and strip off any metal out of my pockets.  I lay in a machine like in a tunnel while its magnets took real time imagery of my upper left thigh knee and lower leg.  My consultant surgeon wants to know why my femur appears to be collapsing, then using the data can get a model of the operations that I will need.  The MRI is not a machine for people who don't like small spaces.  I felt trapped and despite 2016 is the nosiest machine I have been in.

I should know more in a weeks time when I see my consultant again on Friday.

Meditation is Key to EVERYTHING

I have always been very into meditation and trying to keep my mind fit and healthy, the benefits of keeping your mind calm and at ease are so important.  Fact is it helps your body to repair itself.

Since finding out about the operations I'm going to have, I have been stepping up the amount of meditation.  I do this by listening to Lounge FM Chillout.  It's a free web based radio station and is adorable to relax too.

http://loungefm.com.ua/chillout

This is my nightly routine:

• Starting at 21:45
• Turn my mobile off, but set timer for 30mins, turn TV off.
• Dim lights in room.
• Tune into Lounge FM Chillout on my Wi-Fi Radio.
• Lay on the sofa with nice pillows and a blanket to keep warm.
• Listen to the music.
• Concentrate only on slowing breathing down.
• All thoughts drift away, this is pure me time.
• Alarm goes off and I go straight to sleep in bed.

I find meditation helps with any sort of pain I'm experiencing by relaxing the bodies muscles.  You can also use it to expand your knowledge and tap in to higher states of consciousness, that's an article for another time.

Passing a Baby

One of the lovely (sarcasm, obviously) side effects of having high doses of medication mainly Naproxen and Codeine is "constipation."

It's a subject not often talked about, it was so severe today that I very nearly called 999 because I was twisted up in agony.  I'm 36 and up until now have never had pain quite like this, very suddenly with no warning and when I was at work.  Stuck on the toilet for 30minutes in severe pain in my stomach and bottom with no end in sight it was time to go home or call an ambulance.

4 hours later, with a little help from 3 Enema's, Lactulose and prunes, I was very happy to produce a baby boy from my bottom who I'll name for comical reasons as Colin.  I honestly don't know how it passed through me and tonight I'm feeling the consequences!  I'm still just about holding back on going to A&E to make sure I haven't damaged myself, hoping it will sort itself out by morning.

So the moral of this story is, make sure you are taking some sort of laxative, especially with Naproxen and Codeine otherwise it will clog you up and you too could feel pain on an unimaginable scale.  

Obviously I'm not a nurse or doctor, and if this happens to you, really please get medical attention or advice, I take no responsibility for the good advice that works for me in this blog.

Update: 9/8/16 21:10
Was seen by GP this morning and signed off work for a week.  I have severe abdominal cramps tonight, and about ready to call 111 to find out what I should do.  Feel I might of damaged myself, sweating again...

Update 12/08/16 10:37
I had to go to A&E few days ago as I was feeling really rough with what had happened to me, the Doctor in hospital said I had torn a muscle in my abdomen and that it would hurt for a time.  Well today I still feel tender, but I'm feeling more me, which is great.

Disability in Rio de Janeiro V Great Britain

As we all get inspired by watching the 2016 Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro, I had to ponder what is life like for the disabled out there. 

After doing a bit of research it seems Rio's pavements are not steeped in gold for the disabled, but mostly rather large holes, cracks and no dropped curbs.  According to reports there is legislation in place for disabled access but this does not get enforced. 

State of pavement in Rio

The wealthy and middle class disabled do well, as they have people to look after them in their own homes, its the poor and struggling who find it the most difficult to get around the city.  Worse still in a recent poll 80% of the disabled in Brazil didn't feel respected by citizens.  That view accounts for the lack of work given to people who cannot walk and seen as different to what society terms normal.

Now come to Great Britain and although yes we have our own problems at times.  London for instance is a lot better, dropped curbs, access to transport and jobs.  I once joked with my company, saying "I will be disabled you could win award's with me in work now".  Here in GB some of us get the chance to receive benefit from the government to help us travel and live, in Rio that doesn't happen.

So the Paralympics begin shortly after the Olympic Games in Rio, I wonder what life will be like out there for our athletes? How they will be welcomed?  Will they get stuck on the pavement like their own citizens?.

Coming soon, when I have my operations I will be stuck in a wheelchair for a time, and I will report on what life is like as a truly disabled person getting around town.  It's going to be an inspiring experience one I hope I can make a full recovery and learn from, and help others in the process.  I have a feeling I may find that our country in part is just as bad as Rio. 

Getting fit for the operations

I'm pretty crap at diets, basically because I LOVE EATING! I was the only heart patient as a kid on the ward that after a 10 hour operation was wanting to eat dinner.  The need to eat has continued until a few weeks ago when I heard that news.  The news that I needed multiple operations on my left leg otherwise, I could kiss goodbye to walking.

So shaping up was like having a gun pointed at my head, because I know if I don't start getting healthy now, my recovery time would be a lot longer later down the line.  I'm not allowed to walk far, or do exercise so I turned to Slim Fast shakes in a bottle.  I have lost a stone in weight in about 3 weeks, my target is to get down to 9.5 stone in 2.5 months.

I'm not obsessing over the lovely cake my work cook anymore, because I have that metaphorical gun pointed at my head ready to pull the trigger if I eat it.  I have taken myself away from supermarkets and ice cream and chocolate.  I no longer feel the need to stuff my face. 

This is my daily regime:
Morning: Vanilla Slim Fast and Caffeine Coffee after. 206cal
Lunch: Low call Sandwich or meal 400cal
Dinner: Chocolate Slim Fast and Decaff Coffee after. 206cal
Supper: 0% fat Greek Yogurt and Raspberry's 100cal

Living off under 1000cal a day and losing weight with no gains, drinking plenty of water in between to stay hydrated and its working really well.

So anyone wanting to diet I strongly recommend asking your doctor first, and I obviously take no responsibility if any bad thing happens to you, but I can recommend Slim Fast.  It is the only thing that has ever worked for me.

Amazon are selling Slim Fast direct to your door, buy through the link on the left of the page and you'll make my blog abit of cash too.

Leg Lengthening in 2016

I just wanted to give people an idea on how I might have a leg extension operation.

I'm under the care of Kings College Hospital in London, there are many different ways to extend the legs.  I will need a variety of operations to get to a point when I am not tilting to one side when I walk.

The first video is of the external Ilazarov Fixator, not sure which part of the leg it would be fitted too at this point, but you get the gist of what it looks like.

The video below is of an operation inserting a Precise Nail, it uses magnets to slowly extend the leg, if I had the option I would go for this, as there are no metal rods sticking out of the skin to be seen by others or me.

However it's done it looks pretty painful, more gory updates to follow....

What is life?

I have been doing a lot of thinking recently, some would say internalising.  What if the life I have had is now over and I have to think about starting again from scratch.  That's a big thing to think about isn't it?  I have been told to "get off my legs" as much as possible to not cause further damage to my bones. 

I could end up in a wheelchair for the rest of my life if it isn't sorted out soon.  Being in a wheelchair doesn't worry me, but the rest of life does.  Would this effect my finances? I'm a man who loves to see the world? I'm also currently finding myself single at the age of 36.  I took myself off the dating scene when I found out about my leg issue a few weeks ago, I don't think I'm a very good catch right now.  My brain is thinking about getting better rather my love life.  I've been single and dating for the last few years; but I do have concerns that my dating pool of people is dramatically lowered, because for some people I now have too much baggage.  Love life officially on hold..

                                                  This is me in Niagara, Canada

So my question "What is life?" for me life is what I make of the here and now, because at the moment, I cannot control the outcomes of what is happening to me in the future.  I'm spending time, "getting off my legs" at work, in my flat and at my parents home.  I'm trying to live life to the fullest as I possibly can.  By writing this blog I hope it might help others going through traumatic times, knowing you are not alone, we are all connected.  Life is still good, it's just being a bit tricky.

I have been touched by the amount of good, kind and thoughtful people wanting to help me via my Facebook and Twitter accounts.  Friends around the world, have all been sending messages of support.  One friend Linda from Australia who I met through the sport of Dragon Boating has been talking to me in the dead of night, it's daytime down under.  Night time is the worst for people who worry like myself, so a special thanks to Linda for allowing me to unload my worries.  I hope to one day come out to Australia and thank you in person.

A new beginning or the end..

Is this the beginning or the end as I know it...

I have been in shock for the last week.  My specialist has told me that X-Ray's showed I had abnormal bone structure in pelvis, bending femur, knee and ankle.  She told me that I will need multiple operations to reconstruct it all. 

I don't understand why this wasn't picked up as a child at Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital, or maybe this is something that has happened to me and changed in my body going into adulthood.

When I arrived at Kings College Hospital London recently I thought I was just going into ask for a basic leg lengthening operation.  It's actually not so basic but not such an ordeal as when I was a teenager having it done. 

At the moment I feel very anxious and not feeling as upbeat as I normally am, the news of multiple operations has hit me hard.  It's terrifying to know, I maybe off work for a number of months, there are so many unknowns while my specialist gets to grips with what's going on.

I have a lot of anger inside me too, angry at myself for just covering up the pain and getting on with life.  I have been self medicating with Ibroprofen, paracetamol and codeine for years.  If I had been more persistent with my GP's over the years would I have been seen quicker instead of now, and maybe the damage cannot be undone.

                                                     An example of leg lengthening

The problems I have are so serious and complex I will next go to a case study with a team of consultants gathering together, to see what can be done for the lower half of my body.  Depending on how long it takes to get healthy again I could lose my own home, income and freedom.  I have never felt so vulnerable.  I have been told to get off my legs and do more office work to stop any more damage and help stop the pain. 

I'm not done with life yet, although those dark thoughts are emerging, I want to live and walk and see the world for more years to come.  Life as I know it has changed, I hope I can still live the life I want to lead when all is done...